easter sunday

happy easter! i don't really celebrate easter, since i don't consider myself a christian, but its once of those nice things i do for the family. so, in the tradition of my love of blasphemic images, this is my favorite easter picture:



nothing says "easter" like a bunny trying to do a chicken.

hope the easter beagle brought you all something good.



am i the only one that thinks snoopy was on something?

out.
- L

ten days later

i'm still getting used to having the exam over with. i took a few days off, went back to work on wednesday. it's weird being back at work. after spending so much time studying over the past few months, i have this constant feeling that i'm supposed to be doing something. like tonight, i feel like i should be doing something besides laying on the couch reading a book. i feel like something's missing. don't get me wrong, i loooooove not having to study and i love this new free time i have, but it's a weird feeling. i've basically been in school for the past 24 years, with the exception of my year medical leave of absence. i feel like being a student is what has defined me for so long, that it's going to take some time getting used to NOT being a student anymore!

of course, i may be studying for the july bar again in just a few months. i don't think i did too well on the exam...having to handwrite on thursday disrupted my confidence a little. but, i'm fairly proud of how i handled the whole thing, so if i have to take it again, it will be alright. hopefully next time i won't be faced with quite so many challenges.

i sent my laptop off to be fixed last week. it's weird not having it - that thing has been my life for the past few months. i was good about backing up all of my school/bar exam materials, but unfortunately i was not good about backing up my pictures, and my laptop is where i stored most of my pictures. i'm pretty sad about that because i know i lost a lot of good pictures that were important to me. such is life.

i have, however, been enjoying slowly getting my life back. it's nice to be able to spend time with friends again. i had a visitor from out of town last week - it was fun to be able to spend time with him, something i wouldn't have been able to do if he was in town just a week earlier. i still need to read more news articles and magazines to have topics of conversation besides the bar, but at least it doesn't rule my life anymore. for now. :)

it's crazy to think what we law students put up with just to be a lawyer. i wonder how many of us really want to be lawyers, or if we just feel we owe it to ourselves to see this thing through after 3 years plus dealing with the bar plus hundreds of thousands of dollars. what could we possibly be BUT lawyers after all this shiz? being a lawyer better be awesome.




out.
- L

and so it ends.

well, the bar is over.

wooooooooo hooooooooo!

that sucked. i thought the exam itself was very difficult, as i expected it would be. but for me, the biggest challenge was when my laptop crashed wednesday night. at about 9pm i tried to turn it on, and.....nothing. the lights on the keyboard came on, but the screen was blank. so, i tried to remain calm, turned on my desktop computer to do a little research to see if this was a common problem and there was an easy solution. after searching for about an hour with nothing, i decided to call hp tech support.

the first person i talked to spoke very broken english with a heavy accent, so heavy that i couldn't understand what he was saying. after about 30 minutes of that, he finally put someone else on the phone. she also had an accent, but i could at least understand her. but, it quickly became clear she wasn't understanding me. our conversation went something like this:

me: my laptop isn't working. the screen is completely blank - i can't get anything to come up. i can't get to windows, i can't see anything.

hp rep: okay. thank you for calling hp. i understand this must be frustrating for you. now, go to the start menu on windows, and select restart the computer.

me: but, i can't get to the start menu. my screen is completely blank...i can't see a thing.

hp rep: okay. i understand that you're screen is blank. now, click on the start menu and select "system restore." this will restore your computer to its settings a few days ago.

me: i can't get to windows to do a system restore. i can't click on anything. i don't think you're understanding me.

hp rep: i'm sorry, let's try something else. press control, alt, and delete, and click on the "restart" option on the shut down pull down men.

me: can i speak to someone who's not retarded?

finally at about 1am, after getting nowhere, i decided to just go to bed. so, i ended up handwriting all of thursday's exam. unfortunately, i haven't handwritten anything more than my grocery list in probably a year.

about half way through thursday's afternoon session, my hand started to hurt. like, really hurt. it cramped up and i couldn't hold the pen anymore. at one point, i had to take the pen with my left hand and shove it in my right hand, and hold my right hand closed around the pen with my left hand. by the end of the exam, my right hand looked like this:

fortunately holding a cold beer quickly afterwards helped :)

my hand is still swollen and i can't move it much, but forunately it can hold a cup, which is about all i need it to do for the next few days. :)

i think it's going to take some getting used to being done with the exam. i still woke up at 5am this morning like i have for satan knows how long, hungover of course, but ready to study.

i'll write more about the exam later. now, i think it's about time for a nap. because i can.

congratulations to everyone who's done!!! forget about the exam, and think about all the things you get to do now that it's over. like have a life again.

out.

- L

kryptonite

only two days to go. or, more like a day and a half. i'm both nervous and anxious for it to be here so i can get this shit over with. seriously, i just want my life back.

i think i'll probably continue to study for the rest of today, but then take most of tomorrow off to relax and focus. i have to work on my performance tests (PT) today - for some reason those things are like my kryptonite. for my non-bar friends, a PT is like a simulated real life task we might get from a supervising attorney such as to write a memo, write an appellate brief, an opening or closing statement, a letter to the client, etc. we're not expected to have any independent knowledge, everything we'll need to know (all the facts and case law) are provided in the PT test.

i have no idea why i have so much trouble with the PT, especially since i worked during my 2nd and 3rd years of law school, also did an internship, and have been working since i graduated in august. all those jobs required me to do the kinds of things the PT tests. and, i never had any trouble with any of those things. it baffles me.

i like the word "baffles". it reminds me of waffles.

my sister came to visit me this weekend and brought me homemade muffins! she came to visit a few weeks ago and brought a lasagna for me to freeze. she's so good to me. it's so nice to eat food that doesn't come in a frozen box and takes longer than 4.5 minutes to cook.

guess i better get back to this PT. if only i was superwoman. or....is it supergirl? i don't even remember. one day, i'll remember things again.



out.
-L

i started crying the other day. finally. i'm not really a big crier, i only cry when something bad happens, or on the rare happy occasion. but i've never been one of those women who just....cries. its just not in my genes i guess. but, the other day, i was sitting and studying, and i said to myself "i don't want to do this anymore" (as i say everyday to myself) and then next thing i knew i was crying. it actually caught me by surprise, i wasn't expecting to cry, nor did i really feel it come on.

but, i found it was actually rather helpful in dealing with the stress. it helped me gain focus and it kind of inspired me. as soon as i was done crying, i was ready to rock the bar exam. so, i've decided that maybe i should start making myself cry everyday. but, that's a lot easier said then done.

if only the media would start picking on britney spears more so i could cry too.



out.
- L

i'm turning into an old lady

studying for the bar has turned me into an old lady. i have five gray (or is it grey?) hairs! FIVE!!!! that is way too many for a 28 year old lady. i only had 2 when i started studying. and, in the past two months of studying, my eyesight has gotten noticeably worse. i used to only need my glasses when driving at night or after a long day of reading or staring at a computer. now, i can barely see without my glasses on, and its clear that they are no longer strong enough as i'm getting headaches constantly. but, unfortunately i don't have time to go get new glasses right now, so that will have to wait until after the bar.

my joints and muscles have also become very stiff lately, undoubtedly from sitting on my ass all day long. so, i've started doing yoga again. i used to be way into it a while ago, but then for some reason kind of got out. i've always thought its a good way to manage stress and improve flexibility to make me better at, you know, the business, so i decided to take it up again to help deal with my overwhelming stress. there's also some new craze called "laughing yoga" where you just laugh to release stress. i haven't tried it out yet, but after watching this video, i'm definitely considering it. this dude is the shiz.



i can't wait until i can go back to feeling only twice my age, not four times. unless i can be like this cool lady...then i wouldn't mind. ;)






"lost" is on in a few minutes, it's the only tv i'm allowed to watch these days. tonight kate and sawyer are gonna do it, and there's no way i'm missing that, so i gotta go.


out.
- L

one is the lonliest number

studying for the bar is a very lonely endeavor. it's weird to say that, because i'm constantly surrounded by people right now. there are lots of other people at the library daily, whether its other bar studiers or regular law students. and yet, it still feels very lonely. no one really understands what this is like. its difficult sometimes talking to friends and family because its like they don't get it, and i don't know how to explain it. most of my friends and family are extremely supportive and regularly send emails or texts or leave phone messages with words of encouragement, and many friends have sent cards or cookies, or giftcards, or something else very sweet like that, and all of those things are appreciated more than my mere words of gratitude could ever express. but it's extremely frustrating that no one understands what i'm going through, and as of late has led to me basically avoiding people.

and, even other people studying for the bar can't necessarily relate to each other. we all have our own challenges and our own difficulties, and its impossible to understand what each other is going through. because i've had heart problems in the past, i've started to check my blood pressure to make sure its not extremely high. naturally, its going to be high right now because this is the most stress i've ever been under. but, i have to check to make sure its not at heart attack levels, like it has been at some points in the past. and, if i check it and its high, i then have to do what i can to convince myself not to get nervous about that, because it will only make it higher.

i don't mean to make it sound like i have it so hard and no one can understand - everyone studying for the bar with me has their own challenges. some people are older and have families, so in addition to studying, they have a family to take care of. 3 women in my bar prep class are pregnant!! i can't even begin to imagine that. i'm lucky because i live alone and don't have a family here, so i can do what i need to without having that additional obligation.

i haven't had much time to hang out with friends, and i wouldn't subject my friends to the rollercoaster of emotions that is me right now, so studying has become that much lonlier. i think this is probably the longest i've ever gone without being touched [and by touched i only mean something like a hug....get your mind out of the gutter ;) ] it's a weird feeling - even though i'm around a lot of people, many of whom i've really come to like over the past few months, i still feel very isolated.

i'm anxious to rejoin society and be able to be with people again :)





out.
- L