and so it ends.

well, the bar is over.

wooooooooo hooooooooo!

that sucked. i thought the exam itself was very difficult, as i expected it would be. but for me, the biggest challenge was when my laptop crashed wednesday night. at about 9pm i tried to turn it on, and.....nothing. the lights on the keyboard came on, but the screen was blank. so, i tried to remain calm, turned on my desktop computer to do a little research to see if this was a common problem and there was an easy solution. after searching for about an hour with nothing, i decided to call hp tech support.

the first person i talked to spoke very broken english with a heavy accent, so heavy that i couldn't understand what he was saying. after about 30 minutes of that, he finally put someone else on the phone. she also had an accent, but i could at least understand her. but, it quickly became clear she wasn't understanding me. our conversation went something like this:

me: my laptop isn't working. the screen is completely blank - i can't get anything to come up. i can't get to windows, i can't see anything.

hp rep: okay. thank you for calling hp. i understand this must be frustrating for you. now, go to the start menu on windows, and select restart the computer.

me: but, i can't get to the start menu. my screen is completely blank...i can't see a thing.

hp rep: okay. i understand that you're screen is blank. now, click on the start menu and select "system restore." this will restore your computer to its settings a few days ago.

me: i can't get to windows to do a system restore. i can't click on anything. i don't think you're understanding me.

hp rep: i'm sorry, let's try something else. press control, alt, and delete, and click on the "restart" option on the shut down pull down men.

me: can i speak to someone who's not retarded?

finally at about 1am, after getting nowhere, i decided to just go to bed. so, i ended up handwriting all of thursday's exam. unfortunately, i haven't handwritten anything more than my grocery list in probably a year.

about half way through thursday's afternoon session, my hand started to hurt. like, really hurt. it cramped up and i couldn't hold the pen anymore. at one point, i had to take the pen with my left hand and shove it in my right hand, and hold my right hand closed around the pen with my left hand. by the end of the exam, my right hand looked like this:

fortunately holding a cold beer quickly afterwards helped :)

my hand is still swollen and i can't move it much, but forunately it can hold a cup, which is about all i need it to do for the next few days. :)

i think it's going to take some getting used to being done with the exam. i still woke up at 5am this morning like i have for satan knows how long, hungover of course, but ready to study.

i'll write more about the exam later. now, i think it's about time for a nap. because i can.

congratulations to everyone who's done!!! forget about the exam, and think about all the things you get to do now that it's over. like have a life again.

out.

- L

kryptonite

only two days to go. or, more like a day and a half. i'm both nervous and anxious for it to be here so i can get this shit over with. seriously, i just want my life back.

i think i'll probably continue to study for the rest of today, but then take most of tomorrow off to relax and focus. i have to work on my performance tests (PT) today - for some reason those things are like my kryptonite. for my non-bar friends, a PT is like a simulated real life task we might get from a supervising attorney such as to write a memo, write an appellate brief, an opening or closing statement, a letter to the client, etc. we're not expected to have any independent knowledge, everything we'll need to know (all the facts and case law) are provided in the PT test.

i have no idea why i have so much trouble with the PT, especially since i worked during my 2nd and 3rd years of law school, also did an internship, and have been working since i graduated in august. all those jobs required me to do the kinds of things the PT tests. and, i never had any trouble with any of those things. it baffles me.

i like the word "baffles". it reminds me of waffles.

my sister came to visit me this weekend and brought me homemade muffins! she came to visit a few weeks ago and brought a lasagna for me to freeze. she's so good to me. it's so nice to eat food that doesn't come in a frozen box and takes longer than 4.5 minutes to cook.

guess i better get back to this PT. if only i was superwoman. or....is it supergirl? i don't even remember. one day, i'll remember things again.



out.
-L

i started crying the other day. finally. i'm not really a big crier, i only cry when something bad happens, or on the rare happy occasion. but i've never been one of those women who just....cries. its just not in my genes i guess. but, the other day, i was sitting and studying, and i said to myself "i don't want to do this anymore" (as i say everyday to myself) and then next thing i knew i was crying. it actually caught me by surprise, i wasn't expecting to cry, nor did i really feel it come on.

but, i found it was actually rather helpful in dealing with the stress. it helped me gain focus and it kind of inspired me. as soon as i was done crying, i was ready to rock the bar exam. so, i've decided that maybe i should start making myself cry everyday. but, that's a lot easier said then done.

if only the media would start picking on britney spears more so i could cry too.



out.
- L

i'm turning into an old lady

studying for the bar has turned me into an old lady. i have five gray (or is it grey?) hairs! FIVE!!!! that is way too many for a 28 year old lady. i only had 2 when i started studying. and, in the past two months of studying, my eyesight has gotten noticeably worse. i used to only need my glasses when driving at night or after a long day of reading or staring at a computer. now, i can barely see without my glasses on, and its clear that they are no longer strong enough as i'm getting headaches constantly. but, unfortunately i don't have time to go get new glasses right now, so that will have to wait until after the bar.

my joints and muscles have also become very stiff lately, undoubtedly from sitting on my ass all day long. so, i've started doing yoga again. i used to be way into it a while ago, but then for some reason kind of got out. i've always thought its a good way to manage stress and improve flexibility to make me better at, you know, the business, so i decided to take it up again to help deal with my overwhelming stress. there's also some new craze called "laughing yoga" where you just laugh to release stress. i haven't tried it out yet, but after watching this video, i'm definitely considering it. this dude is the shiz.



i can't wait until i can go back to feeling only twice my age, not four times. unless i can be like this cool lady...then i wouldn't mind. ;)






"lost" is on in a few minutes, it's the only tv i'm allowed to watch these days. tonight kate and sawyer are gonna do it, and there's no way i'm missing that, so i gotta go.


out.
- L

one is the lonliest number

studying for the bar is a very lonely endeavor. it's weird to say that, because i'm constantly surrounded by people right now. there are lots of other people at the library daily, whether its other bar studiers or regular law students. and yet, it still feels very lonely. no one really understands what this is like. its difficult sometimes talking to friends and family because its like they don't get it, and i don't know how to explain it. most of my friends and family are extremely supportive and regularly send emails or texts or leave phone messages with words of encouragement, and many friends have sent cards or cookies, or giftcards, or something else very sweet like that, and all of those things are appreciated more than my mere words of gratitude could ever express. but it's extremely frustrating that no one understands what i'm going through, and as of late has led to me basically avoiding people.

and, even other people studying for the bar can't necessarily relate to each other. we all have our own challenges and our own difficulties, and its impossible to understand what each other is going through. because i've had heart problems in the past, i've started to check my blood pressure to make sure its not extremely high. naturally, its going to be high right now because this is the most stress i've ever been under. but, i have to check to make sure its not at heart attack levels, like it has been at some points in the past. and, if i check it and its high, i then have to do what i can to convince myself not to get nervous about that, because it will only make it higher.

i don't mean to make it sound like i have it so hard and no one can understand - everyone studying for the bar with me has their own challenges. some people are older and have families, so in addition to studying, they have a family to take care of. 3 women in my bar prep class are pregnant!! i can't even begin to imagine that. i'm lucky because i live alone and don't have a family here, so i can do what i need to without having that additional obligation.

i haven't had much time to hang out with friends, and i wouldn't subject my friends to the rollercoaster of emotions that is me right now, so studying has become that much lonlier. i think this is probably the longest i've ever gone without being touched [and by touched i only mean something like a hug....get your mind out of the gutter ;) ] it's a weird feeling - even though i'm around a lot of people, many of whom i've really come to like over the past few months, i still feel very isolated.

i'm anxious to rejoin society and be able to be with people again :)





out.
- L

vday

the days are all kind of the same for me, especially now that class is over, so i had no idea what today was. at least, not until i walked out to my car early this morning and found the two neighborhood cats doing it on top of my hood. then i knew it must be valentine's day.



for being stuck in the library for 13 hours today, i actually had a pretty decent valentine's day! i received a very sweet valentine's card and a box of cookies, both sent through the mail! who knew men still mailed things?! and, my mom sent me a gift card that's good at a bunch of stores, including the grocery store, bed bath and beyond, home depot, starbucks, etc. my moms is the shiz.


although my vday was pretty good considering, i'm still adding it to the list of things that gets saved until after the bar...like new years! march 1st is new years day for me, so i may as well make march 14th valentine's day again so i can really celebrate. although, i guess march 14th is steak and BJ day for guys, so i'm not sure if i can change that to vday. oh, who am i kidding....those are both the exact same day anyways!

ain't love grand....



out.
- L

the beginning of the end.....or is it the end of the beginning?

my barbri prep class ended a few days ago. so, for the next two weeks up until the bar exam i'm studying on my own everyday. in some ways it's nice to be done with the class, because now i'm not learning any new material...from here on out its just reviewing what i've (re)learned over the last two months. and, now that i'm not in class, that's an extra 4-8 hours per day that i can devote to just studying.

however, i think i'm kind of going to miss the structure of studying while in class. now its all up to me, no one telling me what to do, and i've got 15 subjects to choose from. i'm too brain dead to make any decisions on my own. the other night, i stood in front of the fridge after i got home from studying trying to decide what i wanted to drink. i stood there for literally 10 minutes just staring - i couldn't decide what i wanted. finally i closed the fridge door and went to bed, without anything to drink.

there's only 2 weeks left until the bar which is both frightening and exciting at the same time. that's not much time to study all the shit i have to get through, so i'm a little nervous. but then again, just a little over 2 weeks until i get my life back, which is extremely exciting. i miss my life, even the little things. i added another list to the left of things i'm going to do when this is all over with. i guess i should probably go add sleeping to the list, but getting a fricking haircut is still my #1.


i got the new aqua teen hunger force season 5 dvd from netflix a few weeks ago. every night when i get home from the library, i usually put the tv on in the bedroom and get in bed. these days i'm so exhausted that i'm usually asleep within seconds of my head hitting the pillow. ATHF episodes are only about 10 minutes long, and after 2 weeks i still had not made it through one whole episode.

instead, i had to settle for this quote compliation made by someone much more talented than i.



out.
- L

i think i'm full

only one more subject to learn....professional responsibility. i don't understand how people can retain all this information. it's hard enough to memorize all the shit for one class, nonetheless 15!!! i feel like there's not enough space in my brain for all this information. i feel like i'm starting to push other knowledge out to make room for all this law. i wish we could access our brains like computers and go in and delete all the useless knowledge we don't need, like song lyrics, or movie quotes, or exboyfriends, and make room for new stuff. 'cause i think my brain is full, and i need to make some more room.


there's an episode of married with children where kelly is going on a sports game show and she has to learn all this sports trivia, but has to kick other things out of her brain in order to make room for it. that's exactly how i feel.



see...that, exactly that. the fact that i even know about that episode is the perfect example of shit i'd like to kick out of my brain to make room ;)

i received some bad news tonight, that my sister gave away her dog to her exboyfriend. it's definitely what's best for the dog, and was the right thing to do, but i frickin LOVE sir charles. and, because i'm here swamped studying for the bar, i didn't even get to say goodbye. i'm really, really sad about this but because i have so much shit to do, i feel like i don't even get to be sad right now. guess that will have to be added to the list of things to take care of after the bar. :(

out.
- L

so, my school kinda rocks

i think my school is really into getting us to pass the bar exam, because not only are they paying for all of us to take the bar prep class (at about $4,000 per student), but they also give us lots of other goodies too. for example, today when i walked into class, there were muffins and juice, little plastic bags filled with pens, pencils, earplugs...all the good bar studying stuff! AND, they announced that they're buying us lunch on friday. they usually buy us lunch about once a week, and they bring in good stuff too, like tacos, sandwiches, pizza, etc. and whenever there's leftovers, i get to take it all home. god bless free food. no wonder i've gained weight studying for the bar! although, oddly enough, my pants have become much looser, so i'm not sure where the weight is going. maybe my ass. that'd be sweeeeeet!!!

studying for the bar makes me feel like i'm in grade school again. i only have one class in the same classroom everyday. i have a locker where i keep all my books. and, i bring my lunch to school in a paperbag with my name written on it everyday. i've been trying to eat more healthily, but usually end up trying to trade my lunch for something better, like a snack pack.





happy super tuesday. hope everyone voted!

out.
- L

...and i don't even LIKE roller coasters!

i have no idea what today is. this is like day 13 of straight classes, so everyday is exactly the same for me: wake up, go to class, either go to the library for the rest of the day/night, or go to work then the library for the rest of the night. every now and again i'll meet up with someone, but it makes no difference what day that is since they're all the same for me. it's weird not knowing what day it is. if i had to guess, i'd guess its monday. but i'm pretty sure that's wrong. i'm not even sure what month it is. i know its either the end of january or the beginning of february, but i'm not sure which. at least i'm pretty sure its 2008 :)

good god i need a day off.

studying for the bar is the biggest emotional roller coaster i have ever experienced. some mornings i wake up thinking "i can do this, i can pass this test." and, then there are the mornings where i wonder how anyone in all the history of bar exams has ever passed this test, and i'm convinced its a big conspiracy that people actually pass it and in reality no one has ever passed and the bar examiners are just playing dirty tricks on law school graduates. on those mornings i feel stupid, and drained, and incapable, and just want to give up.



and on days where i feel defeated, it tends to affect my self esteem in other parts of my life. like, i finally convinced myself, after weeks of thinking otherwise, that i am in fact NOT going bald. anyone who has ever seen me probably thinks this is pretty obvious. i have a lot of hair. not just because it's long, although right now its the longest its been in probably a decade, but even when its short i still have a lot. there are many many hairs on my huge noggin'. so why i ever thought i could possibly be going bald is beside me. but its true, i truly thought i was going bald. i even looked for cute hats on the internet to hide my shiny bald head. although, i'm not sure why i was wasting my time looking for hats when everyone knows bald chicks are cool.


oh, and the other day, i was convinced i was going deaf. turns out i had just left my ear plugs in for like 12 hours and forgotten about them. seriously.

this is what little sleep, and lots of stress will do to you. it's almost like being on drugs, because you're totally irrational, but not nearly as fun. :(

on the positive side, however, being totally irrational also makes one very excited about stupid, little things. like, the other day, someone offered to buy me dinner so i could have a meal that doesn't come in a box and takes longer than 3.5 minutes in the microwave to make, and i acted like that was the greatest news in the world. you would've thought i had just won the lottery.

on the first day of bar prep class the professors did warn us we'd be emotional rollercoasters and even told that at some point throughout all this, we'd break down crying. i haven't actually broken down crying yet about the actual exam, but i do find i'm much more emotional regarding other things. like, tears came to my eyes the other day while watching a t.v. program during my dinner break.....it just made me so sad that they wouldn't give homer any more donuts.

sometimes life is so unfair.

out.
- L