one is the lonliest number

studying for the bar is a very lonely endeavor. it's weird to say that, because i'm constantly surrounded by people right now. there are lots of other people at the library daily, whether its other bar studiers or regular law students. and yet, it still feels very lonely. no one really understands what this is like. its difficult sometimes talking to friends and family because its like they don't get it, and i don't know how to explain it. most of my friends and family are extremely supportive and regularly send emails or texts or leave phone messages with words of encouragement, and many friends have sent cards or cookies, or giftcards, or something else very sweet like that, and all of those things are appreciated more than my mere words of gratitude could ever express. but it's extremely frustrating that no one understands what i'm going through, and as of late has led to me basically avoiding people.

and, even other people studying for the bar can't necessarily relate to each other. we all have our own challenges and our own difficulties, and its impossible to understand what each other is going through. because i've had heart problems in the past, i've started to check my blood pressure to make sure its not extremely high. naturally, its going to be high right now because this is the most stress i've ever been under. but, i have to check to make sure its not at heart attack levels, like it has been at some points in the past. and, if i check it and its high, i then have to do what i can to convince myself not to get nervous about that, because it will only make it higher.

i don't mean to make it sound like i have it so hard and no one can understand - everyone studying for the bar with me has their own challenges. some people are older and have families, so in addition to studying, they have a family to take care of. 3 women in my bar prep class are pregnant!! i can't even begin to imagine that. i'm lucky because i live alone and don't have a family here, so i can do what i need to without having that additional obligation.

i haven't had much time to hang out with friends, and i wouldn't subject my friends to the rollercoaster of emotions that is me right now, so studying has become that much lonlier. i think this is probably the longest i've ever gone without being touched [and by touched i only mean something like a hug....get your mind out of the gutter ;) ] it's a weird feeling - even though i'm around a lot of people, many of whom i've really come to like over the past few months, i still feel very isolated.

i'm anxious to rejoin society and be able to be with people again :)





out.
- L